The last entry I made on this blog was nearly 2 years ago. Things were so different then. At that time I didn't know if I'd be able to ever have a succesful pregnancy or if I'd even be able to handle being pregnant. My how things have changed. Now almost 2 years later I have the greatest gift I could ever imagine, my baby girl.

I am fully immersed in being a mama now, everything is all about Brianna and I wouldn't have it any other way. We're just taking things day by day but she continues to amaze me. My in-laws think we're crazy for the things we do but we cloth diaper, breastfeed and make our own babyfood. I loved wearing Brianna in a sling but she doesn't like to sit still for very long now so that doesn't fly with her too often.

Every day she's learning something new in these last few weeks before her first birthday. She's getting into everything and will be walking in no time. She's so smart too (and I'm not just saying that because I'm her mama).  She can point out where her nose is and will brng you an object (toy or book or whatver) and hand it to you when you ask her. She knows a few babysigns and will sometimes sign for milk, all done and eat. She's waving goodbye/hello now and loves to give hugs (but only to me & Mike, she's picky). She loves to eat whatever we're eating and although she loves to nurse, she's on the go so much now and won't often sit still to nurse for long so I imagine that she might wean herself within the next few months. It's up to her, I won't push anything and I imagine she'll still want to nurse before naps & bedtime but we'll see.

I've finally got the one thing I've wanted all along, a child, my star.

Well, even though I've woken up with a bright red spot on the end of my nose, which is surely going to be a monster pimple, (which I blame on my screwed up hormones), I'll hesitantly say that I think the spotting/pseudo-period has stopped, or at least has taken a break for now.

I had this long duscussion with Mike this morning, no matter how you slice it, I feel defective, because it isn't any fault of his that we're having a hard time getting and staying pregnant. He's a sweetheart though and insists that it doesn't matter to him, he holds nothing against me and loves me no matter what. I appreciate that of course, but it doesn't stop me from feeling the way I do.

Then again, why am I having such a hard time with this right now when we're not even trying at the moment? Had we already had the appointment I'm waiting for at the end of May, and had the go ahead to try we could have tried this month (y'know, if I wasn't having these spotting issues). But since the appiointment isn't until May 28th (and who knows what they'll want to do beyond that) we decided to get the new car instead, so we're still waiting until August (as originally planned).

Meh, I'm just a mess.

But on the plus side, we get to go out for dinner tonight to celebrate Mike's birthday. He'll be 28 tomorrow, but since it's our day off today, we're celebrating a day early. But now, I really need to stop procrastinating and get off my ass to do some tae-bo.

After losing Hannah & Evan, which, for those keeping track was 7 months ago now... I went through a period where I thought I could never try a pregnancy again, I was too afraid. And during that period, Mike & I "decided" that we'd like to try adoption. We were fine with this decision, excited even. And how ironic that during this time, despite my PCOS, I was having regular cycles (28 days!) and even ovulating, all on my own.

So, is it any surprise that now that more time has passed, and we've gathered some courage and decided we want to take a chance on another pregnancy that I'm having the most fucked up cycles I think I've ever had? Join me in bitter laughter... last month we decided that come August we would give ttc another whirl, and last month on day 11 I started spotting, and for almost a week the spotting continued and at one point was almost a light period. Now as it was that early in my cycle, I never thought it could be a period, it was just spotting. But then I didn't get my actual period until day 34, nearly 20 days after the spotting had stopped. I had hoped last cycle was just a fluke, but apparently not. Saturday night/Sunday morning I started spotting again, albeit light at first, but now, today (Monday) I had what looks to me like the first day or two of my period does. And it corresponded with a drop in my temps this morning as well.

More and more I cannot wait until my RE appointment on May 28. But really, doesn't this seem like a sick joke? Or maybe I should take it as a sign that we should just adopt...